iAlways Hate Your Boyfriends
by Stoic Observer
Summary: Freddie makes a list of why he hates all of Sam's old boyfriends. First iCarly fic. One-shot. One-sided Seddie.


**AN: Okay this is my first ever iCarly fanfic ever. And I was inspired to write it because I really wanted to do a fic for my current obsession. I'm an iCarly nut. My friends mock me…tears. Oh well.**

**I know I'm bad because I have unfinished fics and I'm writing a one shot. But who cares? Anyways, if this fic is well liked, I'll make sequels because I do have ideas… XD**

**Words: 799 (I know it's short) ENJOY!**

So, I'm sitting here in a very comfortable Groovy Smoothie stool. Sipping a delicious blend of fruits, yogurt, and ice with my two best friends. And all I can think about is what you've gotten yourself into this time.

I can't believe you're defiling one of our favorite hang out spots by introducing Carly and I to some loser that you've decided to start dating. I don't even really remember his name. What was it again? Stan? Kenny? Cartman?…Kyle! That's what it was. Nubbish name, by the way.

There's always something wrong with every guy you date, and I'm sure this one won't be an exception. They always have flaws, but you never see them. Well, not until the relationship ends. Then, you usually get your revenge, which I actually enjoy. Because it means that you'll remember why they weren't right for you in the first place. That, and it's refreshing to see you hurt someone that isn't me.

Anyways, back to what I was going on about. I made a list. One that contains every reason why I hate your past boyfriends. I know you would laugh at me if you saw it, but I don't care. It helps me get my frustration out. Because I know you'd kill me if I ever told you what I think about them.

So my list, it goes from the boyfriend I hated least to the one I hated most. Here it goes:

**5. Eric Moseby, better known as Noseby Moseby. **Other than his gigantic nose, he was wrong for you from the start. You didn't even like him. Just because a boy gives you bacon doesn't mean you should be his girlfriend. You should never be bought because you're priceless. I'm glad you were smart enough to see what was wrong with him. Well, after you were done eating that _foreign _bacon he got you.

**4. Frankie Murkin. **He couldn't handle who you are. An aggressive, gross, meat-loving girl. You over whelmed him. He was too weak to be the boy you deserve. And then he rudely dumped you. What a nub. I'm happy you pushed him out of a tree. If he couldn't handle that, then it further proves my point. You need someone who can put up with your abuse.

Those two, however, weren't so bad. But the list still goes on…

**3. Pete. **He did that hair flippy thing. You know, when you move your whole head to get the bangs out of your eyes. Girls do that. Just saying…But what I hate is that you changed for him. You stopped being you just for some guy. He made you feel like being that wonderful person you are was wrong. No guy is ever worth erasing the characteristics that define you. I'm glad you know that now. Life wasn't the same when _you _weren't around. Though his one redeeming fact was that you he liked you for you. But obviously that didn't work out, since you dumped him anyway.

**2. Jonah. **He's a bully. Rude. And stupid. That's why he needed my notes to pass that test in the first place. Then what's worse is that you started ignoring me. Just because you were infatuated with him. It hurt me and it hurt Carly that you were never around. I even started to miss the bruises you'd give me. That's how messed up I was.

And all your inside jokes were disgusting too. Not what they were about, but the fact that you'd always say them in a sickly, sweet manner. And what really gets me is that he tried to cheat on you. With your best friend. I can't believe that skunk bag. Wedgie bouncing him for hours was the best revenge ever.

But the one I hated the most was** 1. Shane. **I know he was my friend, but that just adds to my hatred. He was smart, geeky, with an almost unnatural love for AV equipment and computers. Him and I are really similar, too. But you only liked him because he was handsome. And that hurts. You know that? Seeing how shallow you can be sometimes. If I were better looking, would you want me like that? Fight Carly for me? Try so desperately to win me over? I can't even fully hate him because it wasn't his fault. That just makes it worse though.

Whatever. That's it so far. I'm going to try to enjoy my smoothie now. Since it's the only thing I'll be enjoying today.

I don't know about this new guy. But I'll come up with something. I usually do. But for now, I'll just put him under the list with the same excuse for hating him I give all the new guys.

**Kyle. **He has you…Oh, and his name is stupid.


End file.
